MSN’s Predictions For 2013!

Well… a new year is upon is and has taken upon itself to post some bold(?) predictions about this up coming year.  Let us take a look as some of those predictions.  And feel free to follow along at the following link:


There will be: “earthquakes, typhoons, floods, fires and volcanoes.”  Brilliant!  I can’t think of a single year in the last century where there has been: earthquakes, typhoons, floods, fires and volcanoes! Oh wait, each of those things happen every year.  I love the fact that not only do they not specify when or where, but they reference volcanoes without saying whether or not there will be an eruption.  They simply say that there are a lot of volcanoes.  Really?  Did you learn that in geography class?  So you are predicting that the already existing volcanoes won’t suddenly disappear?  How could you possible know such a thing?  Let me guess; the hurricanes will happen during hurricane season, and the typhoon will happen to a coastal area?  I suppose the next thing you’ll tell me is that floods will happen near bodies of water and the earthquakes will happen over a fault line.

Will a member of the royal family pass away this year? Probably. It is a big family with lots of old people.

But that is not all. They also predict that somebody in the royal family will pass away.  Um… sure… it is a rather large family after all, and there are a lot of old people in the family.  And most families in general have one passing a year at least.  My predictions: There will be at least one new member to the royal family.  Come on MSN, at least try and predict the gender of Will&Kate’s baby, you got a 50/50 chance of being right there.

If somebody from the royal family must pass away this year, please don’t let it be Pippa. I haven’t gotten a chance to get her to autograph my copy of her book.

What about the weather?  What will it be like.  Well, MSN has gone out on a limb here.  They predict that the east coast will be cold this winter, and the west coast will be warm.  Where did they ever come up with this prediction?  Cold on the east coast and warm on the west?  OMG!!!  Wait, wait, oh… yes… that’s because that is the way it is every year.  FAWK!!!  This is a ‘prediction’?   Wait, let me try this.  Las Vegas will not get very much water this year.  Seattle, however, will get a lot of water this year.  There will also be a lot of snow on the tops of mountains in the Rockies.

Don’t worry, MSN reports that the west coast will in fact be warmer than the east coast this year. As for 2014, nobody knows.

What about finances you ask?  Well, after several years of very mediocre growth following a huge collapse, MSN has again gone way out on a limb and predicted: “very mediocre growth”.  Hmm… I wonder what made them figure that?

There will reportedly be “talks” of a potential split between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. I wonder where this “talk” will take place?

As for celebrity gossip, it is suggested that there will be “talk” of cracks in the relationship between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.  But that’s it, just “talks”.  And who, I wonder, will be having these talks?  Oh, probably the gossip rags that have been talking about potential cracks in every relationship in Hollywood.  But that is not all, no, there will also be a “health crisis” surrounding Barbra Walters.  Now, it doesn’t actually say that it will be Barbra with the issue, but one that will ‘surround’ her.  I wonder how possible it is that Barbra may be around a major health issue at some point this year since she is 83 years old and no doubt has a great many friends that age and older.  Have you ever heard of a person that was 83 year old being around health issues?  Me neither.

Will Robots take over the world in 2013?

Now, onto the giant robot.  Yes, on the cover of the story there is a picture of a giant robot.  What does the future have in store for giant robots?  Well, under the picture of the giant robot is says that this year, according to the Chinese Zodiac, will be a “Water Snake Cycle”, the first in 60 years.  What will happen in the “Water Snake Cycle”?  I dunno… and neither does MSN.  They just pretty much tell us what happen sixty years ago and then reference to say that “science and technology” will flourish.  I wonder where they got that idea?  Technology and science flourishing? Those two have been dead industries for centuries now.  Come on MSN, at least suggest something remotely specific?  Apple will come out with a new product?  That’s right. No mention of giant robots in the actual article.  WHY DO YOU HAVE A PCITURE OF A GIANT ROBOT?!?!?!?!?

MSN “predicts” there will be war in the Middle East. I wonder what gave them that impression? The war in Iraq? Or Afganistan? Syria? Lebenon? Or the fact that every group picture coming out of that part of the world features teenagers brandishing AK-47s?

Politics?  Oh yes, indeed.  They actually suggest that there war will break out toward the Middle East.  Again, they can’t actually say “in the Middle East”, just “toward”. Hey, guess what, there are already at least two wars going on in the Middle East, not to mention what some might call civil wars.  I mean, you might as well suggest that people in Africa will be diagnosed with AIDS and that some Africans might die in the blood diamond trade, or that starvation will run rampant in Afirca while Americans will continue to be obese.  Seriously?  Oh, they also suggest that Iran will “cause something to happen”.  Can you be any more vague?  Yes, I think most governments cause a great number of things to happen during the course of a year.  That is there job after all.

MSN is going on a limb and suggest that NASA may be correct in suggesting that the ISON comet will pass through our solar system this year, a risky prediction given NASA’s spotty track record with comets.

And they predict that the comet ISON will pass earth sometime in November or December.  Thanks for this ‘prediction’ MSN, but I think NASA beat you to the punch.

MSN reports that “in all likelihood” the human race will survive to see 2014, but they weren’t optimistic enough to say how many memebers of teh human race would see 2014. They don’t want us to panic.

And finally, MSN reports that psychic Barb Powell says the human race will “in all likelihood” survive to see 2014.  MSN notes that Nostradamus backs Powell up as he states that the earth will be around until at least 3700.  I just love how Powell isn’t even confident enough to say that humanity WILL see 2014, but rather they will “in all likelihood” see 2014.  Come on Powell, even if you are wrong about this, nobody will be around to tell you so.  Feel free to put all your chips in on this one.

If you are just going to arbitrarily put pictures of giant robots on the cover of your article, at least make sure the giant robots are as cool as Starscream.

So, in conclusion, MSN tells us: to expect natural disasters, gossip will continue to go on about celeb couples, pictures of giant robots work well to convince people to read articles (even if said articles don’t mention the word robot once in them), a comet which NASA already announced would pass by Earth this year will pass by Earth this year, Iran will do something, there will be war in the Middle East and the human race will, “in all likelihood” live to see 2014.  Also, there will be some very strange guests on The Jerry Springer show (that’s just my predictions though):

Hey, whatever gets you in the library.

Oh, and I also predict that despite the fact that Muslims, and Jewish folks, and Christians have spent literally hundreds of years killing each other in the name of God, Pope Benedict XVI will try to get all three groups united this year, not to promote world peace, but rather to unite in their hatred of homosexuals.

Pope Benendict XVI: If there’s one thing he hates more than Jews and Muslims, it’s probably homosexuals.

Now the year can begin!

Rambler About Rambler

Jason John Horn is a writer and critic who recently completed his Master's in English Literature at the University of Windsor. He has composed a play, a novella and a number of short stories and satirical essays.

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