Joining Forces Against The Gays, by Pope Beinadick LXIX

Note on the text: Pope Beinadick LXIX is not to be confused with Pope Benedict XVI, even if he mistakenly takes ownership over words spoken by Benedict (though that said, I imagine the two have very much in commong).  Enjoy.

Joining Forces Against The Gays, by Pope Beinadick LXIX

Pope Benendict XVI: If there's one thing he hates more than Jews and Muslims, it's probably homosexuals.

Pope Benendict XVI: If there’s one thing he hates more than Jews and Muslims, it’s probably homosexuals.

For centuries, leading world religions have been at war with each other.  Muslims have killed Jews.  Jews have killed Muslims.  Christians have killed Muslims.  Muslims have killed Christians.  Christians have killed Jews.  Jews killed Christ.  And Christians killed pagans, and did a good enough job of it that there are none left today.  There is no doubt we have had our differences, but I say it is high time that we Christians, Jews, and Muslims join together, because now there is an even greater foe.  What is this foe, you might ask?  Racism?  World hunger?  War?  The oppression of women?  The exploitation of the environment?  No.  The threat we face is far greater and one that threatens the essence of the human creature: Gay marriage!

Sorry kids, I know you're hungry, but I needs to focus on more pressing matters, like my hatred of homosexuals.

Sorry kids, I know you’re hungry, but I needs to focus on more pressing matters, like my hatred of homosexuals.

Many years ago the issue of interracial marriage came up.  Some Catholic priests had the foresight to say: “No! This isn’t right!  If we allow blacks and whites to get married, who knows what kind of marriages will be allowed in the future?”  Well, it is the future now and guess what: Men want to marry men!  Do you see the slippery slope this “forward thinking” mentality has brought to bear on us?  Do you see how the “progressive” minds had polluted our world?  It is time we join forces and put a stop to this.  Gay marriage is the manipulation of nature.  Yes, man manipulates nature in other ways, such as how pig farmers pull the teeth out of infant pigs and lock them up in pens where they don’t even have room to sit down, and then overfeed them.  Yes, we are tearing down forests for pulp and lumber, but these instances at least serve man by allowing man to make wrapping paper for Christmas presents and bacon to put on our chicken sandwiches (I won’t even get into how we circumvent nature to get ample chicken meat).  Gay marriage, though, provides none of the benefits of factory farming or deforestization.  Where will the family be if gay marriage is accepted?  The family is based on the indissoluble marriage between a man and a woman, which helps to respond to some of today’s most insidious and dangerous threats to the common good.  Yes, I say indissoluble marriage, because even if the man you marry turns out to be a rapist, or a pedophile, or an abusive drunk who molests your children, or a serial killer, you married him and so should have to be his wife until the day you die.  Until death do you part!  Where would your children be if you just left your husband because of some turbulence in the marriage?  Isn’t it better for that child to bear witness when the husband abuses his wife? Or rapes her?  Isn’t it better that the child be abused by their father (be is sexually or physically) rather than not have a father at all?  Trust me.  I’ve had to ask myself the same questions.  Is a congregation better off with no priest than a priest who molests children?  No.  They still need a priest, even if he does molest children.   Indissoluble, heterosexual marriage is the only thing keeping society together.

Gary Ridgway: Sure, he may have turned out to be a serial killer, but does that mean you should divorce him?

Gary Ridgway: Sure, he may have turned out to be a serial killer, but does that mean you should divorce him?

Perhaps you think there are more important issues at hand.  World hunger, for example.  Perhaps you say: There is no gay marriage in many African states, yet starvation runs rampant in these countries, while countries like Canada, the Netherlands, Denmark and Belgium have no starvation and do have gay marriage.  To that I say: These countries are starving because the countries with gay marriage are not properly distributing their food.  Countries with gay marriage don’t share their food with heterosexual countries.  Gay marriage has corrupted those countries.  What of war?  You might suggest that many Middle Eastern countries don’t support gay marriage and are yet plagued by war?  That is because countries that support gay marriage, like parts of America, Canada, or Britain, have gone into the Middle East and created war.  These countries that support gay marriage go to war with heterosexual countries because gay marriage has made these countries violent.  Without gay marriage, there would be no starvation or war.  Now, you may suggest that gay marriage was not accepted anywhere 100 years ago, but starvation and war still raged on.  To this I say that starvation is the product of war, and that war is the product of homosexuality.  It was the Greeks who handed down the tradition of war, boy-loving Greeks who indulged in homosexual man/child relationships (akin to some of the man/child relationships that have occurred between some of our priests and younger members of their congregation).  Had it not been for the Greeks, there would be no war.

Gay countries like Canada won't share their food and heterosexual countries facing starvation because this homosexual greed.

Gay countries like Canada won’t share their food and heterosexual countries facing starvation because this homosexual greed.

So now we must put our religious differences aside and join together to fight the Musli… I mean the homosexuals.  You might say to me: Why join with our enemy?  Has your hatred for other faiths diminished?  I affirm that my intolerance is as intolerant as ever!  If there was anything I learned in the Hitler Youth, it was to hate Jews.  And I hate them to this day.  I mean, they killed Christ, after all.  As for Muslims, I stand by my comments: Show me just what Muhammad brought that was new and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached.  But life is like a game of Risk.  There are several players, you want to destroy them all and rule the world without opposition, but you know, in order to beat one group you hate, you may need support from another group you hate.  Once we have eradicated the homosexuals, I plan on turning my efforts to eradicating the Muslims just as we eradicated the pagans.  And then the Jews.  The Muslims I want to get first though, because there are so many of them.  There are 2.2 billion Muslims in the world!  We cannot beat them without the help of the Jews, but we can beat the Jews without the help of the Muslims.  So first we target the homosexuals, then I will return to my hate/ignorance-filled speeches about Islam, and once we’ve gotten rid of them, the Jews will be next (I think my teacher in the Hitler Youth underrated that influence of the Muslims).  And then those people who worship the elephant-headed god with all the arms.  I forget what they call themselves, but we’ll get them too.

Don't worry you people who worship that elephant-headed god, I'll get to you after I'm done with the gays and the Muslims and the Jews.

Don’t worry you people who worship that elephant-headed god, I’ll get to you after I’m done with the gays and the Muslims and the Jews.

Oh, and some might suggest that the church might be better off concentrating their efforts on issues like racism, or women’s rights.  To that I say, racism is over.  They have a black president in America.  What more proof do you need?  As for women’s rights, I believe women have the right to be subservient to their husbands (even if those husbands turn out to be child molesters).  I mean, there is a reason we will not ordain women as priests in the Catholic church.  If we let them in, they’ll just complain about some glass ceiling that isn’t even there.  Some might say it is because we are chauvinist, or misogynist that we will not let women be priests.  I say it is because we are naturalists (so long as I can have my foie gros and veal) and that women are naturally inferior to men.  Women have their place, and that place is in the home (or nunnery is you aren’t attractive enough to land a husband).  I declare that the Church has no authority whatsoever to confer priestly ordination on women and that this judgment is to be definitively held by all the Church’s faithful.

Yes, you can... stay at home and raise the children and be subserviant to your husbands.  It is what God ordained.

Yes, you can… stay at home and raise the children and be subserviant to your husbands. It is what God ordained.

In conclusion, I would like to ask for the support of all groups I find to be inferior, be they Jews, or Muslims, or women, with the aim of destroying the rights of another group I find to be inferior: homosexuals.  Once the Catholic church has eradicated the homosexual plague, we will move forward and eradicate other groups we find to be inferior, except for women, for though they are inferior, we need them to procreate and make more men.

God bless you all, and amen.

Oh, and just to specify, woman-on-woman sex is alright, because you cannot technically have sex without a penis.  Women cannot marry women, but they are allowed to kiss each other on their private parts.  Leviticus does specify that it is only when a man lays with a man that an abomination occurs, and does not say that a woman who lies with a woman is an abomination.

This act was not actually prohibited in the Bible, to technically it is alright.

This act was not actually prohibited in the Bible, so technically it is alright.

 

Rambler About Rambler

Jason John Horn is a writer and critic who is currently studying at the University of Windsor where he is enrolled in the Master's program for English Literature. He has composed a play, a novella and a number of short stories and satirical essays.

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