Abortion Rocks! (by Miss. Ann Thropist)

Abortion Rocks!

by:  Miss. Ann Thropist

I only have respect for an opponent who takes a hard line on a subject.  I want black, or white, none of these pathetic shades of gray that bleeding heart liberals want the naïve reader to believe exists in this world of clear absolutes.  These Pro-Choice advocates, they just don’t have the testicular fortitude to make up their minds.  They want people to have a choice?  Who wrote the manifesto for these people?  John Milton?  I have far more respect for the Pro-Lifers who demand the world offer up, under instruction of law, and by penalty of death, the excremental virtue of totalitarianism!  It may seem on the surface that a Pro-Abortionist such as myself, that is what I am of course, a person who believes every pregnancy should be terminated, would have a wide, gaping canon of differences between themselves and a Pro-Lifer, but that isn’t the case, because, you see, we Pro-Abortionists and Pro-Lifers are simply on the opposite sides of the same coin.  They may see things differently, but they, like we Pro-Abortionists, believe the same thing fundamentally: that the government should ultimately be deciding what a woman should do with that disgusting foetus inside her invaded  and infected and infested womb!  We just disagree on what the decision should be.  To come to the correct decision, we must first examine the question: When a womb has been violated, what should we do?  We as a society should do the very same thing we do when somebody violates our home, or our country: Purge the violators!  Pregnancy, after all, is a sickness.  Why else would one become nauseous and have to vomit when we become pregnant?  Mourning (sic) sickness is simply our body’s way of responding, a response that is similar to the way they would respond if an alien virus had invaded the borders of our body.  Why?  Because that is exactly what has happened!  A virus has infected our womb.  Now, I know that the Pro-Lifers will not be swayed, they are, like we Pro-Abortionists, and much to their credit, simply uncompromising.  But I hope the naïve reader who supports the more ‘reasonable’ approach of those eunuchs who call themselves Pro-Choicers, will lend a figurative ear and hear why all pregnancies must be terminated!

Firstly there are the superficial reasons.  Stretch marks.  Saggy breasts.  Loose vaginal canals.  Cottage-cheese thighs.  The flabby, loose flesh of a deflated stomach.  In youth women are gifted with many things.  Smooth flesh.  Firm breasts.  Tightness.  Unyielding thighs.   Taut stomachs.  Full-term pregnancies destroy all these gifts.  The smooth texture of a tanned, evenly coloured stomach is a marvel of beauty on a woman, and to see it scarred with red and purple trenches, lined in place of what was perfection is a travesty of nature.  It is true that nature will one day make overripe what was once seasoned, but why shorten that time of angelic beauty for the bearing of a selfish, whiny beast of a creature.  Why let that same disgusting beast lay waste to a heavenly bosom and turn what was once supple and firm and vibrant and full into loose hanging flesh that droops and drools where it once sat pert in perfection.  Why trade in a tight, fixed vaginal canal that offered gratifyingly exhilarating and rigidly erotic resistance to penetrating manhood, for a loose cave that offers no more of a challenge to a stiffened penis than does a warm bucket of water offer a hotdog.  Muscular and defined thighs at the peak of their perfection are dotted with disgusting dimples, and the once rigid, washboard stomach is turned into a sack of fat has the consistency of water.  Isn’t it better to nurture what nature has gifted you with than to destroy it for the sake of an unappreciative infantile monster?  The body should be enjoyed, not destroyed!  Call me a bohemian.  Call me a hedonist.  I freely admit I am both, and as such wish to take every pleasure I can out of this short life and think it wise to enjoy what gifts you are given, rather than destroy them in favour of the unending weight of the puerile albatross that is child.

If preserving the cosmetic and aesthetic appeal isn’t enough to encourage one to endorse the termination of every pregnancy, then think of the health risks incurred by becoming pregnant.  Postpartum Depression for example.  Up to one-in-four women suffer from Postpartum Depression, an illness that includes, but is not limited to: tearfulness, irritability, hypochondrias, sleeplessness, impairment of concentration, feelings of isolation and headache, sadness, hopelessness, low self-esteem, guilt, a feeling of being overwhelmed, sleep and eating disturbances, inability to be comforted, exhaustion, emptiness anhedonia, social withdrawal, low or no energy, becoming easily frustrated, feeling inadequate in taking care of the baby, impaired speech and writing, spells of anger towards others, increased anxiety or panic attacks and decreased sex drive!  Let me ask you this: If you were to pick up a bottle of pills and these were the potential side effects were paired with the medication you were holding in your hands, would you consider for even one second ingesting such poison?  Outside of the psycho-somatic health issues, there are physical health issues as well.  Perhaps you have never heard of Hyperemesis Gravidarum, but three out of every one-thousand women who are afflicted by pregnancy must suffer from it.  It is an illness that causes women to vomit excessively, even at merely swallowing their own saliva.  It causes restlessness and weight loss.    Then there is Polyhydramnios, which causes; heartburn, indigestion, abdominal discomfort, shortness of breath and back pain!  Or Pre-eclampsia, or toxemia, an illness that causes; high blood pressure and protein in urine, severe swelling in the hands, feet and face and bad headaches, and when untreated it can damage; kidneys, liver, lungs, brain and it can cause blood clotting, sometimes leading to coma and ultimately death!  Hypertension!  Diabetes!  Urethrocele!  Cystocele!  Rectocele!  Rectal Prolapse!  Are these illnesses you would want to bring upon yourself?  And the number of women who have died in childbirth stands in the millions!  It would be better to discover you had a blighted ovum than to learn that you have been doomed with the disease known as pregnancy.

What of the child?  Does the Bible not say that thou “shall not kill”?  It does.  Plainly, and with no exception.  It does not say: Thou shall not kill man.  It says: Thou shall not kill.  But still we kill every day.  We kill plants.  We kill animals.  We kill those who do not have a voice to defend themselves with, and we do so without guilt.  We have created a world of death and destruction.  A world where there has not been a day go by where there was not a war waging somewhere on the planet.  Why should we treat a foetus any different?  You may say that one wrong does not justify another, but I say that one wrong demands the other.  Out forests are dying.  Our oceans are dying.  The air we breathe is dying.  The planet is dying, and the virus responsible for it is humanity.  Is this the type of world that one should bring a new-born baby into?  A wise man once wrote that it would have been “a great happiness to have been sold for food at a year old… and thereby have avoided such a perpetual scene of misfortunes” as one is predestined to suffer through once born into this world.  “The oppression of landlords, the impossibility of paying rent without money or trade, the want of common sustenance, with neither house nor clothes to cover them from the inclemencies of the weather, and the most inevitable prospect of entailing the like, or greater miseries, upon their breed for ever.”  These issues remain some centuries after which they were written and without much, if any, improvement.  But why even carry a child to full term?  Why give it life only to force it to suffer through this perpetual scene of misery.  Why breed children in this world who must sell their bodies every day to put food on their table and keep a roof over their head and clothes on their backs?  Why not circumvent the suffering, the poverty, the struggles and servitude that each of these children are born to suffer through.  You may say that some will not suffer, and this may be true, but would you rather give birth to a tyrant who feeds off of another’s misery?  Would you rather have a child who lives a life of luxury at the expense of a starving family?  I say no.  And for the Christian reader who fears what may become of the unborn child, worry not.  The Bible says that we are born into sin, but since a foetus is not brought to full term, and in turn not born, neither do they have sin, and therefore can enter heaven without having to suffer in this world of sin.  It may very well be a sin to have an abortion, but to take on that sin that another may avoid it is a truly selfless, Christian act.

Some may have concerns with the fact that my logic would lead to the extinction of the human race, and should all adopt my views, this would be the eventual outcome, and better for the world would it be.  There were millions of years during which this world existed in harmony without mankind, and for millions more would it continue in harmony without mankind upon it.  We have raped the land.  Mowed down forests.  Made extinct more species than we could hope to count.  Depleted the ozone.  Poisoned the oceans.  There is no doubt in my mind that this world would indeed be better off without mankind.  To continue to reign over this peaceful planet would be the most selfish act humanity has ever performed.  Rather than tame nature, we should set her free and allow her to reign over this world and return it to the peaceful state in which it existed before it was shackled and poisoned with the virus known as humanity.

I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the good of this planet, by advancing nature, eliminating infants, relieving the poor of the economic strain of child rearing, and giving some pleasure to the young who can maintain their youth for a longer period having avoided childbirth.  And for those who may think I am biased, know that I have nothing to gain from my Pro-Abortion views as I am already past child-bearing age and stand to gain nothing from my own personal views.  I only hope to make on earth a heaven and save the generations that might follow us from misery.

Rambler About Rambler

Jason John Horn is a writer and critic who recently completed his Master's in English Literature at the University of Windsor. He has composed a play, a novella and a number of short stories and satirical essays.


  1. Wow! What a waste of time to read…i really do hope that one day u have a child that gives u stretch marks,saggy boobs and a bucket,then maybe u will realise that non of that matters,its proof u carried a life. I love my daughter shes worth a million stretch marks! Stupid,uneducated piece of shit.

  2. I AM GOING TO HAVE TO STOP YOU RIGHT HERE! This essay is VERY misleading! Fetuses are not viruses! They are clearly parasites!

  3. So at least one of you (emma) did not get that this was satirical. It’s set up as an absurdity, the intro paragraph gives it away. It’s supposed to be an unreasonably hard-lined stance meant to mock the unreasonably hardline pro-life people. (And, I’ll add this in case it isn’t immediately infer-able, hardline pro-life isn’t the only pro-life position).

Speak Your Mind